Way Back Then

a strange comforted blur that feels like clarity,
will this pull me out of it? what’s me?
this is lightweight, this is ego-free,
I remember this place,
this is the real me,
although, kind of distracted
waves of different states oscillating through me
that me is so quiet and faded behind me

that’s a mouse

I heard, but I didn’t see

I’m a different person
oscillating wavely
autocorrect, don’t correct me
this is a different world, built in a different way
it feels so distant and wide somehow
I’ve traveled far from whatever home was

oh yeah, I remember that life,
so long ago
I’m being pulled back to that moment, it sounds so weirdly familiar
a bell toll
moving in and out of intensity of the bubble, as soon as I feel it I’ve lost it again
a strange appearance of extra dimension,
and a lot shorter attention
Is this my natural state void of all regulation?
The self-awareness minus the obsessive perception?
not this I I I I superimposed on the observation,
cut out the noise, you are the observation

I have almost no memory,
each few words is its own creation
but somehow I keep connecting back
I even feel it physically,
the feeling of being a person I used to be so long ago

last time this happened I couldn’t do anything
this time I don’t even realize I’m typing except now

I remember that person,
I guess there was something truly sad about his state,
but I can’t really feel that right now
it’s a totally different world,
and very noisy here like a jungle

should I tell that man something?
from over here so distant, across a whole galaxy
what set me free? Well, I have no real concept keeping whole right now, as in, my attention span is too short, I can’t possibly be taken out of this state of weird hereness
I barely remember the fact that I don’t remember… sometimes

what if my attention span is better here
I just don’t remember it
I get totally lost in whatever is happening but kind of completely miss it
there’s no identity here

I have literally no identity with my hands when I look at them
who is I then? when I perceives Iself, I is there
it’s like the spot where your eye is looking, there
it’s like the third picture in the middle of the Magic Eye, there

ohno I have to do something with that chicken downstairs
there are things in this world that remind me of back then
somehow I need to turn down that crockpot. To the Kitchen!

someday in the future that feels like the past, I will read this back,
and I damn sure it’s okay

Oh right the kitchen

fundamental restlessness

You can try to fix a problem whether you drink peppermint tea or alcohol- different problems, different solutions. This is a game to play, one of many games you can play in life. But don’t expect the outcome to resolve your fundamental restlessness- this is the grand illusion. If you play a different game, one called Observation, you might notice this.
You might notice Observation can liberate you from the same cycle. How could you leave a cycle if you can’t see it fully? But again, don’t be tricked. You can’t play the game of Observation to fix your fundamental restlessness, because fixing is what caused the restlessness in the first place.

Self-Determination: The Path to Liberation

I’ve come to discover an archetypal root that explains the difference between liberated, peaceful people and corrupt authoritarians. The root is self-determinationThe start of self-determination is autonomy, so the individual must claim his autonomy and aim to grow his strength in acting on it. And others must respect his autonomy- making requests instead of demands, using conflict mediation instead of punishment, etc.

Self-determination involves 3 needs:
Autonomy – the agency to make decisions and own your life;
Interconnection – healthy supportive relationships; and
Competence – the skill and strength to do something really well.

All three of these mixed together creates liberation that many people can’t even comprehend, and even some of the few who have achieved it go around talking about parts of their journey that completely ignore self-determination, showing they are oblivious to it.

The real vicious truth here is that when a person lacks autonomy, and especially if they have been traumatized or damaged, they will strive for control to make up for the loss. It’s like trying to steal the autonomy of others, but many wannabe dictators don’t even realize this is the result of their actions. They just get blinded by the stress and trauma pushing them to try and make their environment clean, predictable, and in their power. It doesn’t work. Becoming intrinsically autonomous, self-determined, and skillful will give you the sense of liberation and inner peace to come to terms with the world around you, as it is.

Continue reading “Self-Determination: The Path to Liberation”

That Which is Immune to Corruption

People need to realize both Bob Ross and Mr. Rogers were previously in active military roles before doing their TV shows. Imagine then watching them do as they do on TV, for so many years, being present with the art (Ross), being present with kids and a variety of people (Rogers), all while having experienced the kind of consuming total brutality of the military lifestyle, and especially war.

And even while on TV both Ross and rogers did radical things in mainstream and standardized contexts.

I realize that in most cases if you have a particularly wild message connected to the most intrinsic wisdom, that it will be incredibly simple. It will be simple and consistent, untouched by changing times and all the disasters that surround it.

You will be surrounded by people doing things that are bad, stupid, or even terribly wrong and horrible. The struggle is to find a pure method, immune to corruption, to show the light to anyone able to witness. How do you become immune to corruption?

I have a hunch, and I’ll follow it through until I see what I’ve found. I have a hunch it has to do with fear and how you respond. I’m not going to run away, I’ll witness it all, and will expose everything to the light. If the light reaches the people who need it and want it most, I’ll be invincible even if annihilated.

Admit Powerlessness to Become Liberated

At the end of 2016 I experienced a slow grinding downfall into a place of entangled, dysfunctional darkness and suffering. It was not so much a process of suffering more and getting worse, but more like lifting a veil and recognizing what was already there.

Continue reading “Admit Powerlessness to Become Liberated”

Fear Becoming Wisdom

“Fear is a natural reaction to moving closer to the truth” – Pema Chödrön, When Things Fall Apart


People cover up evil, idolize beauty, and entirely ignore true peace – the ordinary.

The more things are exposed and we begin to see that disaster and evil and corruption can happen anywhere, committed by anyone, the more trust is eroded and we become wild dogs in the night, lurking and looking so cautiously around every corner ready to
jump at the slightest sound of a threat.
Continue reading “Fear Becoming Wisdom”

a prisoner and the warden speak

I celebrate everyday, for I am weightless.
I rejoice everyday, for I wake up alive,
and I get to play this game

A rare and beautiful gem,
a life that never happened before,
and will never happen again

I am the ripple in the water- brief and ageless

I am the smoke dissolving
try to grab me and I disappear
you can’t control me;
there is nothing to fear

let me go, then I can stay
when you allow everything to be,
it doesn’t have to go away

desire and rage cloud vision unclear,
gripped by your body’s being
when there’s nothing left to fear,
your ego fears the nothing

but I’ll tell you friend,
loss is liberation,
and liberation is your destiny

You tried to place me in a cage,
propelled by your lifelong misery,
yet I am resting here at peace,

so I ask of you, which of us is really free?