How Traditional Medicine Fails to Address Emergency Trauma

What happens when doctors ignore trauma? A minor tendon strain can deteriorate into a severe broken arm in a matter of 5 days if doctors ignore the red flags. And this doesn’t even count for the severity of trauma that occurs during this time, and is even emboldened by the negligence.

Recently I’ve been awoken to the depth of profound medical ignorance. This is an urgent call to take trauma seriously in medical care and beyond. Here’s the nutshell; I’m turning this disaster into a case study. Let the story begin.

 

I’ve been having dozens of full body (non-seizure) convulsions nightly since Oct due to a shift in my PTSD away from chronic fatigue. A month ago I had a horrible visit to a neurologist who dismissed essential trauma care info(12, 3,) as pseudoscience and tried to demand I get a psychiatrist for anti-depressants/anxiety meds. I have no history of depression or anxiety. Tragically, a similar thing happened even earlier this year with me asking about my chronic fatigue to my endocrinologist, though he at least was more reasonable and far less arrogant. I don’t want to alter my state that way, I’m extremely motivated (typing this with my one good hand) and am very flexible and comfortable in many contexts.

Sadly though, these experiences are pin drops compared to what was to come…

Last Thursday night I injured my arm, it started as a tendon strain that would typically heal itself. But every night it rapidly declined, until after each convulsion my arm was in incomprehensible pain.

I’ve been through absolute terror lately and much of it alone but still was able to heal by getting out with good friends and being open about my trauma and suffering- a profound choice. I even played my song Dissolution, about suffering and trauma, as a one-handed piano adaptation at an event.

 

Sunday night I went to urgent care STRONGLY emphasizing I needed to immobilize my arm to protect it. I was sent home with an ace bandage.

 

Monday I went back and made a complaint. They had NO recommendations. I then went to the open mic and played Dissolution. It was transformational.
 

Tuesday night my condition had gotten so bad I fell asleep standing up and had a convulsion on the wood floor. I went to the ER, between 1AM and 10AM; my best friend drove me and stayed all night, witnessing everything to come. He was the saint; the wise one. I had 2 more convulsions; the second one I heard a snap; I thought it was my sling buckle, but, unknown to me at the time, my arm broke. Nobody took it seriously beyond a misguided basic physical exam, so this was missed. It was the psychiatrist who advocated for me to get a sleep med that helps with pain and convulsions- this was a saving grace.

I was sent home luckily with the meds, and the advice to stick my arm under a tight t-shirt; I knew this was not nearly enough so kept trying to improve it myself. My nightly attempts to survive impending doom had been strained, but at least the medication actually helped. Wednesday night I only had 5 convulsions and slept a full 2 hours between each one; Thursday night I had 2 convulsions with 3-4 hours between each one. I was overall de-stressing too.

However, I was still really concerned because my arm felt so weird. Something kept moving. My arm was swelling.

Today (Friday, one week later), I saw a primary doc to get SOME kind of help and she was disturbed at the state of my arm. She was the one who discovered it was broken. I was sent back to the same ER and seen by the previous doc’s higher up. He was mind-blown at the chain of events but finally I got my arm put in a cast. He said they never would have expected to see a healthy x-ray (Sunday) turn into a severe break 3 days later from convulsions.

On top of that, I discovered from the registration lady that on Tuesday I was sent to the slower area for lesser emergencies. The guy next to us came in for eczema. I understand if the faster area is for severe car accidents, heart attacks, if you’re about to die, but today I was sent to the faster area for my broken arm. This means there’s a hard line drawn on my case being serious- a total disconnect from the severity of the trauma I’ve been through this week and before, and how rapidly my body was deteriorating and losing control.

 

All week and even prior I’ve been educating doctors, and any ignorance, dismissal, or uninformed blindness on their part has led to my current circumstance. My arm did not have to be broken. This exposes the severe lack of trauma understanding and available emergency care, and general care, in the medical system.

As a youth self-determination advocate I have to say I’m a self-educated high school drop out informing doctors about this. This exemplifies not just the failure of authoritarian schooling but the danger. It also shows how authoritarianism in schooling manifests in authoritarian medical dogma. (and sometimes naïveté).

 
We need to stop treating trauma as a mental illness. It’s a nervous system disorder, and needs comprehensive treatment that values the seriousness of the damage to physical health. This is only a glimpse I’ve provided. My arm will now take 6-8 weeks to heal IF I don’t need surgery. (UPDATE 12/20/18: I do need surgery and will have a plate with screws in my arm for life, a permanent reminder of this basic truth.)
 

Imagine how different that would have been if I’d gotten the sleep med and arm protection much sooner. But, even that is not truly preventative. Imagine if I’d gotten care in childhood as soon as the red flags popped up. I might not have had PTSD or most of my other health issues. Now imagine if many more parents, childcare workers, mentors, medical professionals and so on were trauma-informed on prevention. We’d see a whole different world then.

And that world is the vision I’m building as I live through this suffering to transform and become wise. That Tuesday night late in the ER when I broke my arm, the pain was so incomprehensible and my traumatized perception so disturbed, I was imprisoned to that moment. No help, no escape. My very DNA didn’t know how to surrender that grip on escaping a dire emergency. But the truth of no help and the dead wall of no escape was right before me. I could go insane with desire or find a way to teach myself to surrender and let go of some kind of trauma somehow.

I started singing. It was improvisation. It brought my physically delirious state into a more emotionally awakening place, and from there I felt that total complete surrender, through complete sorrow and accepting my sorrow. That was liberation; it was enlightenment. It allowed me to be lighter and in the days after I was able to get myself out in the world and have profoundly close experiences with friends, I was able to really live the goodness of life through the integration of tragedy with the rest of the world- life was made whole, and I could embrace that.

This is a glimpse into the world we can live in if we expose trauma to the light and embrace true healing and enlightenment. I will use my disaster to pursue this vision, unrelenting I will be the voice for shining the light on trauma, and the deep healing right before our eyes.

Polyvagal Theory: True Trauma Healing

Polyvagal Theory has popped up as the unifying theory of the nervous system and trauma after about 60 years of discovery and treatments such as Somatic Experiencing. The best thing he says in this whole speech is at 19:05 –

 
“Trauma isn’t just psychological. It’s physiological.”
 
After recently coming to realize a shocking number of neurologists shuffle people off to be medicated by psychiatrists instead of actually treating people who have trauma properly, I’ve gone on a crusade to care for myself and spread resources more intensively. There are people less informed and stable than me, less lucky to have been through the other side of extreme trauma and still be in one piece.
 
Please share this with more people. Trauma is an immersive experience, and people who go through it are often too caught up in the experience to have awareness of what’s happening inside. They will think it’s happening in the world.
 
In my experience, healing trauma is the same as enlightenment. There can be variations on a theme, but I don’t say it lightly. The way you experience your body is not inherent or a default. It can change. The same energy that can be out of control and terrorizing can be a source of infinite power for good.
 

Somatic Experiencing: Wisdom in the Body

I discovered Somatic Experiencing almost 3 years ago and was impacted heavily by this documentary. Dr. Levine is brilliant. That being said, I struggled to utilize Somatic Experiencing on my own without an SE practitioner since most of my experiences were locked down by chronic fatigue (shut off, aka freeze or “playing dead”).

 
With the physical presence and keen observation of an SE practitioner, deep release and healing from trauma at the physical level can feel as profound as enlightenment. I’m gaining a much deeper understanding of how the body plays a huge role in our immersive experience and perception of life. Don’t downplay the complexity and wisdom in your body, it needs your care too.

The gateway to Being is through the body. Instead of reaching for liberation or enlightenment as if climbing a mountain, sink deeper inward, into your body. And just feel what you feel. Start right where you are now.

Way Back Then

a strange comforted blur that feels like clarity,
will this pull me out of it? what’s me?
this is lightweight, this is ego-free,
I remember this place,
this is the real me,
although, kind of distracted
waves of different states oscillating through me
that me is so quiet and faded behind me
wait

that’s a mouse

really?
I heard, but I didn’t see

I’m a different person
oscillating wavely
autocorrect, don’t correct me
this is a different world, built in a different way
it feels so distant and wide somehow
I’ve traveled far from whatever home was

oh yeah, I remember that life,
so long ago
I’m being pulled back to that moment, it sounds so weirdly familiar
a bell toll
moving in and out of intensity of the bubble, as soon as I feel it I’ve lost it again
a strange appearance of extra dimension,
and a lot shorter attention
Is this my natural state void of all regulation?
The self-awareness minus the obsessive perception?
not this I I I I superimposed on the observation,
cut out the noise, you are the observation

I have almost no memory,
each few words is its own creation
but somehow I keep connecting back
I even feel it physically,
the feeling of being a person I used to be so long ago

last time this happened I couldn’t do anything
this time I don’t even realize I’m typing except now

I remember that person,
I guess there was something truly sad about his state,
but I can’t really feel that right now
it’s a totally different world,
and very noisy here like a jungle

should I tell that man something?
from over here so distant, across a whole galaxy
what set me free? Well, I have no real concept keeping whole right now, as in, my attention span is too short, I can’t possibly be taken out of this state of weird hereness
I barely remember the fact that I don’t remember… sometimes

what if my attention span is better here
I just don’t remember it
I get totally lost in whatever is happening but kind of completely miss it
there’s no identity here

I have literally no identity with my hands when I look at them
who is I then? when I perceives Iself, I is there
it’s like the spot where your eye is looking, there
it’s like the third picture in the middle of the Magic Eye, there

ohno I have to do something with that chicken downstairs
there are things in this world that remind me of back then
somehow I need to turn down that crockpot. To the Kitchen!

someday in the future that feels like the past, I will read this back,
and I damn sure it’s okay

Oh right the kitchen
okay.

fundamental restlessness

You can try to fix a problem whether you drink peppermint tea or alcohol- different problems, different solutions. This is a game to play, one of many games you can play in life. But don’t expect the outcome to resolve your fundamental restlessness- this is the grand illusion. If you play a different game, one called Observation, you might notice this.
 
You might notice Observation can liberate you from the same cycle. How could you leave a cycle if you can’t see it fully? But again, don’t be tricked. You can’t play the game of Observation to fix your fundamental restlessness, because fixing is what caused the restlessness in the first place.

Self-Determination: The Path to Liberation

I’ve come to discover an archetypal root that explains the difference between liberated, peaceful people and corrupt authoritarians. The root is self-determinationThe start of self-determination is autonomy, so the individual must claim his autonomy and aim to grow his strength in acting on it. And others must respect his autonomy- making requests instead of demands, using conflict mediation instead of punishment, etc.

Self-determination involves 3 needs:
Autonomy – the agency to make decisions and own your life;
Interconnection – healthy supportive relationships; and
Competence – the skill and strength to do something really well.

All three of these mixed together creates liberation that many people can’t even comprehend, and even some of the few who have achieved it go around talking about parts of their journey that completely ignore self-determination, showing they are oblivious to it.

The real vicious truth here is that when a person lacks autonomy, and especially if they have been traumatized or damaged, they will strive for control to make up for the loss. It’s like trying to steal the autonomy of others, but many wannabe dictators don’t even realize this is the result of their actions. They just get blinded by the stress and trauma pushing them to try and make their environment clean, predictable, and in their power. It doesn’t work. Becoming intrinsically autonomous, self-determined, and skillful will give you the sense of liberation and inner peace to come to terms with the world around you, as it is.

Continue reading “Self-Determination: The Path to Liberation”

That Which is Immune to Corruption

People need to realize both Bob Ross and Mr. Rogers were previously in active military roles before doing their TV shows. Imagine then watching them do as they do on TV, for so many years, being present with the art (Ross), being present with kids and a variety of people (Rogers), all while having experienced the kind of consuming total brutality of the military lifestyle, and especially war.

And even while on TV both Ross and rogers did radical things in mainstream and standardized contexts.

 
I realize that in most cases if you have a particularly wild message connected to the most intrinsic wisdom, that it will be incredibly simple. It will be simple and consistent, untouched by changing times and all the disasters that surround it.

You will be surrounded by people doing things that are bad, stupid, or even terribly wrong and horrible. The struggle is to find a pure method, immune to corruption, to show the light to anyone able to witness. How do you become immune to corruption?

I have a hunch, and I’ll follow it through until I see what I’ve found. I have a hunch it has to do with fear and how you respond. I’m not going to run away, I’ll witness it all, and will expose everything to the light. If the light reaches the people who need it and want it most, I’ll be invincible even if annihilated.