Freeing yourself from the Matrix of addiction

Getting hypnotized; The Matrix of addiction and invincibility. To forget your vulnerability and rarity, the conviction of invincibility is “here is how life is, how it always has been, and always will be” – it is blindness to Fundamental Change. That life changes constantly, and every experience is intrinsically rare. The only time it happened, the only time it ever will.

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a glimpse of fundamental rarity

My underlying motivation and value has to do with purpose, meaning, and playing a game with abundance and depth. At a certain point, I could just keep asking why endlessly until I end up in a kind of nihilistic state (if I were to go unconscious), or end up watching it all fall apart into mush and laugh about it as I usually do.

This illuminates why I define and describe life as a game- this is the answer I have for not knowing the ultimate why. There may be no ultimate why. Life arises, and we are living creatures as part of something far bigger than us. This far bigger thing may just happen, and it might not have a why or ask why the way human beings do. Who knows what it is, how it happens, and what led to us existing. Thus, in some ways, it could be absurd to ask why. Asking why might actually make no sense at all, but the human mind struggles with its own way of experiencing life, by wanting to project that experience onto everything. This leads the mind to ask why? Why am I alive? Why do I do anything? Why do anything at all?

Most of life, over many lifetimes, across many species, has spent all its time playing the game of survival. Life itself was the game. Survival was winning, winning was happening simply by continuing to live. Losing was inevitable. Thus, there are two ways to define this reality. One is the genetic game- to win by reproducing even though you will die; your genes will live on. Your legacy will continue. The other way is to recognize your life happening at all as the win, and immortality as the ruse. To live forever, to continue winning, and never lose, is not the game we are playing. It would be insanity, a denial of reality.

So the two stories of life are either to win through your legacy- what you leave behind, or win through your surrender to the experience that will not last. This is the duality of the finite and infinite, almost a paradox or an irony, considering you could embrace both of these stories. You do not last forever, nothing does. Even the audience of your story will die too, and the story itself eventually lost in the wind. So in some ways, all you have is here right now, this life, this experience. And if this is true, then everyone you meet has solely their experience here right now. And that means every moment and every person is profoundly rare- the only one of its kind, the only time it has ever happened, the only time it ever will.

When you catch a glimpse of fundamental rarity, it might scare you and seem to say life is tragic and futile. You can win many times over, but you will die, you will lose someday, a loss that cannot be undone. None of it lasts forever, it all goes away. But, this glimpse of fundamental rarity is the chance to wake up- take it as if you’ve opened the door a tiny bit, now you can open it fully and experience the wonder of IMPERMANENCE. If you are the only one of your kind, you have never happened before, and will never happen again. How could this be a tragedy? How could this be anything but a gift? After all stories are lost in the wind, all our records turn to dust, and the last of our audience has died, all that will have happened is our experience of this one and only life, at this very moment.

Here and now is what we have.
The only question left, is what you choose to do with it.

To the Job That Fired Me: You’re in a Cult

The following letter is my final public statement summarizing what happened to me in a fully fledged cult of Social Justice, in Minneapolis-St. Paul. I worked for the 2nd largest nonprofit in Minnesota- Lutheran Social Services, in a cooperative network of youth advocacy nonprofits called StreetWorks. I emailed this to 329 contacts in my field who shared some connection to the cult network, including executive directors of core youth agencies and people who knew me from when I lived in transitional youth housing years ago. You might call it “career suicide”, but this has been a long time coming. If I don’t do it, I doubt anyone else will, so here it goes.
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addiction confuses the problem and solution

Addiction confuses the problem and solution. Yet we always get the last laugh because it won’t last forever, and when it comes to its end, we’ll wake up from the dream. We’ll see the damage done, see what is broken. The gift of truth that shows us what can’t be lost or destroyed.

I walk away from the pursuit of happiness and towards the experience of curious, wonder, groundless and always shifting. loss is liberation.

allowing anything to transform

violence will become healing and art, eventually, inevitably. It’s the nature of change. It happens, and is the most likely outcome. So next time you take action violently, know that you will have no power over what it becomes in the world. It takes a long time for this transformation- so don’t be fooled as if it will be easy. On a long winding path that is unexpected, confusing, painful, deeply burning. As if the phoenix looks you in the eye and says “you and I are one of the same. When you are ready, you will become me. The fire ignites when you are ready to surrender to death with no assurance you will be reborn.” Rebirth happens after the silence.

matter is neither created nor destroyed.

Nemo Sundry | Feb 16, 2020

Quality of Character is So Much Better Than Success

“As human beings, not only do we seek resolution, but we also feel that we deserve resolution. However, not only do we not deserve resolution, we suffer from resolution. We don’t deserve resolution; we deserve something better than that. We deserve our birthright, which is the middle way, an open state of mind that can relax with paradox and ambiguity.”
Pema Chödrön, When Things Fall Apart

I don’t value success or frame my goals or life around it at all. I’ve never thought much about it, but in May I had a major shift where I consciously focused on “quality of character” as an alternate to success.

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to willingly see tragedy and evil

Everyone you meet has likely been through some debilitating suffering and loss. Has lived at least one moment where reality stuck them to a corner with no escape. If you’re not able to be gentle and open to each individual, the way you care is to walk away and first do no harm. You should wish the best for your enemies, because their lives impact you. If they get dragged down and corrupted, they could become the villain of your story. It’s no one person’s responsibility or obligation to save others, but likewise all human beings have the basic right to their autonomy, full and complete. No individual, no matter how much they have committed atrocities or are PERCEIVED to have committed atrocities, ever deserves to be abused or their autonomy violated.


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Transmutations of Deep Dark [revisited]

At the end of 2016 I had my first dissolution, what many people see as ego-death. After that I wrote in one go a short book called Transmutations of Deep Dark, still unpublished. The idea is, Deep Dark is the place so ugly, gross and horrifying, when you encounter it you run away before you even know you’re running. A song I wrote shortly after that, my second ever with lyrics, goes like this:
“run from fear you do, fear is the running, chasing translucent desires, anaerobic suffering… under the underneath, thunder from your heartbeat, close your eyes and you will see, the shadow will set you free… go around the world, there’s nowhere left to run”

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Intrinsic Abundance and Economic Empowerment of Youth

I just got accepted to the Northstar Youth Worker Fellowship 2019-20! This is one of the most profound breakthroughs in my life, and absolutely in the last 3 years. It’s equally a miracle that I have this in the aftermath of one of the most insane destructive houses I’ve lived in, on top of my 2 new jobs in the field. The following article is relaying half of my replies to the application questions (the relevant ones). I just reread everything and put it all together in the bigger picture, realizing that the research topic I’ve chosen overall is based on the practical study and application of my universal philosophy, Intrinsic Abundance. It should become apparent as the story unfolds that this isn’t just a profound opportunity for me, but for so many more people.

It is the potential for astounding transformation and opening gateways to self-determination that even I can’t imagine.

I’m not letting anything get in the way of my unrelenting dedication to exploring this philosophy. 

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because your presence alone is a miracle.

I know the feeling of showing up and feeling stagnant, feeling lopsided, uncomfortable, pain, being overwhelmed. I know the tension of showing up vulnerably in person after being scarred. I know that after self-isolation for not long at all, even a day or two, it can feel like absolute shit to go out in the world and be with people. To show up in the midst of the storm, off-center, confused, distracted, deprived, can feel dumb, meaningless, as if it’s just not worth it.

But I’m here to say that’s an illusion. When you show up and feel these emotions and physical disruption, it’s shaking up what’s been stagnated and becoming aware of what’s already there. In fact, self-isolating, numbing out, escaping in the same pattern, over-indulging, hedonism, that’s what actually creates this junk residue within you. Getting out in the world awakens feeling, and you actually begin the hangover- the detox.
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