At the end of 2016 I had my first dissolution, what many people see as ego-death. After that I wrote in one go a short book called Transmutations of Deep Dark, still unpublished. The idea is, Deep Dark is the place so ugly, gross and horrifying, when you encounter it you run away before you even know you’re running. A song I wrote shortly after that, my second ever with lyrics, goes like this:
“run from fear you do, fear is the running, chasing translucent desires, anaerobic suffering… under the underneath, thunder from your heartbeat, close your eyes and you will see, the shadow will set you free… go around the world, there’s nowhere left to run”
And so, this plays with Deep Dark. But I had this hunch, post ego-death, that if you can become aware of what’s happening, aware of your running, aware of Deep Dark, you could shift your reaction over time. Slow it down, slow it down SO MUCH that you finally come to a pause, and turn around.
You might just see Deep Dark, what it’s really made of.
Chemists and Buddhists use the term “transmutation”. It’s like alchemy, it’s more than just transformation. Trans *Formation* is taking a piece of paper and folding it into a crane. Trans *Mutation* is taking paper and setting it on fire. At the root level, its very nature is changed.
It was my belief as I wrote this idea the first time, that if you could learn how to be willing to look at Deep Dark, and learn how to observe inwardly to that level, you would have access to the most powerful raw material of creation. Now, matter is neither created nor destroyed, merely transformed- or transmuted. So this junk inside you that’s just sitting around is already being transmuted. And the question is, to what? What is it becoming? You could think of the last time you were absolutely fucking miserable, and answer that question yourself.
So, transmutation happens. But if you can build your observational muscle intensively, with patience and courage to look inward, the path to seeing Deep Dark is the path to harnessing the power of transmutation for yourself. Once you get to this level, you can take whatever the world gives you, and however it affects you, and begin to transmute it to bring into reality whatever you wish. Be it destructive or creative, your life is in your hands.
If you’re intimidated by the path before you, looming overhead- good.