This is a story that may be hard to comprehend. It’s written chaotically, representing the strange experience of reality. It represents constant change, the unpredictable nature of living and consciousness. The mystery of how huge and strange the universe is and not knowing if there is an “end”. And it ties into the chaos of living as a human being in this life, how little control you have over anything, and yet the opportunity to play life as a game and attain self-determination. A game where, if there is suffering, disaster, and things fall the fuck apart…
In the deepest suffering where there is no escape, and it is so horrible you instinctively desperately try to escape- that is what I call Deep Dark. When you slowly come to surrender to the “no escape” is when you experience cathartic liberation – ego-death, enlightenment. And if you choose to play the game of life, what we can do ultimately, is aim for the highest conceivable good, and focus on your own inner transformation to be the best person you can be. A game of truly enjoying self-improvement, self-love and surrender to reality as it is.
The Overwhelming Mystery of Existence, and the Choice to Be a Friend in The Flurry of Deep Dark
Pause. Breathe in, and breathe out. Feel the breath. It is all you’ve ever known. You have not known existence without breathing. Every time you breathe in, you take in the world (air) and it becomes you. Every time you breathe out, that part of you dies and becomes the world. In meditating, you can feel this breath in as birth, and breath out as death. Life and death are not opposites, they are part of each other, an inseparable process of constant change.
Everything can change drastically in unexpected ways and is constantly changing in subtler ways. Every moment you live, and breathe in and out, is ultimately unpredictable. We are constantly walking a path from the past, through the present, into a future that is fundamentally unknown. You have ideas of what you will do and what will happen, but every moment lived is not quite the same as these predictions, and unexpected things can come up at any moment. Disaster can happen and what you thought was stable is now destroyed, and you must choose what to do from there.
When you pause and sense your presence surrounded by earth and space, you can sense how small you are and how impossible it is to imagine the magnificent size of existence. And that this existence, universe, space, is changing all the time and is still very mysterious.
The idea of what is “real” and who you are is not so concrete as it feels. In the midst of the flurry of your life one day you pause, and feel a new sense as if waking up from a dream and wondering what the fuck this is. And it’s just happening, and there is no sense of “why” this life happens, and we don’t know if there is an “end” to existence.
We mostly don’t know anything, and are constantly biased just by being human. Limitation is a fundamental part of reality; without limitation there is no difference in anything, and therefore no choice. Limitation is an integral part of the reality that allows us to become autonomous, and self-determined.
It creates bias, desire – attachment and aversion, and can easily create a sense of “self” or “I”, and even ego, that causes suffering. It may be true that the self is not good or bad, simply a natural part of being human. And that ego is the total sum of your attachment and aversion, that you perceive as an identity to protect. Yet ego even can learn that the only way it could be liberated from suffering is to die. And even then, self or ego can learn that suffering is not good or bad, it just happens. Ego creates suffering, and is resistant to it, so thus is the paradox that creates an experience you can’t escape.
You could be living your life pursuing goals and getting caught up in the story of human conflict, ideology, and war versus peace. Yet way beyond us, suddenly an asteroid hits earth or the sun explodes in supernova and everything you were dies and becomes something else. While you were happy that you got a good job and could pay your bills, and mad that an innocent person was tortured in prison on the news, and all these other things- suddenly everything has been obliterated. No more chairs, no more cheap off-brand toothpaste. No more pine trees, or rabbits, or imagining the fourth dimension. No life on earth. Inventions of the cotton gin, the internet, the universal shipping container are all gone. Historical records and written knowledge to recreate and rebuild, gone.
And to realize that everything you’ve ever known or lived is through your OWN body, and you have never experienced reality outside of your own human body. It’s like the entirety of existence being in one pair of shoes, and then it’s suddenly gone when you die. And to know that matter is neither created nor destroyed, it is merely transformed,
suggests birth and death are illusions. They are not creation and destruction, merely transformation into something new. What we do in this life impacts the environment for new generations of living beings, and all existence. It feels as if there is no escape, yet everything changes, and whatever we do now has a lasting impact on what will happen next.
My choice is to live willingly, to pursue a life worth living. To clarify what the highest conceivable good is that I can pursue, and aim to live within those values. I play this life as a game, I don’t get stuck in taking it too seriously. I laugh at tragedy in the midst of my most terrifying sorrow, and when I am beaten down by corruption or disaster, I get back up again and play the game.I am my own master of deciding this game is worthy, and every small impact that makes life better, that heals people and shows them acceptance and liberation and love, it is all worth it. Every thousand failures and mistakes that cripple the human spirit are worth the joy of creating a world of beauty, purpose, and acceptance of reality. Even though it is all impermanent, it is what’s here. Though I don’t understand most of it, I take what small gems of wisdom and skill I have and use them to soar into the clouds.I have no desire for fame or being a leader, and am prepared to lose everything in this pursuit. I’ve made my peace with this truth, and I am here to support and serve other people even with all their flaws, struggles, ignorance, differences in morals, and nihilistic apathy, even hatred of me. I am resilient and getting stronger every day so I am not infected or harmed by the limitations of other people even in being vulnerable with them.
I am open to endlessly support anyone who craves self-determination and liberation. I treat my life as if my highest conceivable good is to support the self-determination of youth and all people who desire it, but above that even, it is my aim to be a really good friend. A friend to those who are suffering so deeply they sit on the surface, not knowing how to live the suffering fully and surrender, and as that changes and transforms, as they explore, fail, and become liberated.
What an exciting game! How could we ever treat it as worthless? I am ready to be anybody and nobody, and as I lose everything, what is born of loss is my infinite gratitude in my final resting place.
Every moment, it is up to you what you choose. I’m excited to hear about your adventures in this game. Best of luck to you, my friend.
– Nemo Sundry, 7 April, 2019